Author Puns

Snuggled in my bed, a good one in my hand,
Dreamin', in my head, about another land.
If I said I hated Harry Potter, I would be JK--
Rowling. I'd tap that ass; in the book store JK Prowling.
Dragons Elves and Hobbits, how'd he think of that shit?
I heard his friends called hime JRR Toking, That explains it.
Derivitive fantasy...must have stolen it from Tolkien.
Ya'll are worshipping his work, stop Dan Brown nosing him.
For Christ's sake, The DaVinci Code is sacrilege.

Separate Poem:

It's bigger than she thought it'd be,
longer than she'd prefer to read.
But her expectations were great
for my Charles Dickens, she couldn't wait!

The Debreifing of the Dispute of the Chairs

I see you use the M-16,
But the AK is also pretty mean.
With power greater than all the others
It sends my enemies crying to their mothers.
That is, if they manage to survive.
There are very few left alive.
I'm so ruthless they call me cold-blooded,
Bodies and 'copters, with bullets, will be studded.

But it's alright,
I know you can't handle the AK's might.
You see, I'm Prestige.
Soon you'll be bowing and saying, "Mercy, my liege."

But I really like you,
Maybe someday you'll make your debut
As a soldier, one day commander,
Maybe as strong as the Great Alexander.

Remember, however, young padawan,
That it takes more than pure brawn.
You also need brains
To keep the blood flowing in your veins.

Remember these words, good sir,
And to you, my power will transfer.

The Dispute of the Chairs and the Battle that Follows

Not that thuggish...for school.

I sit on the chair to the right.
The T.V is tilted in that position as if it might
Have been turned purposefully in that direction.
It is for that reason that for it, I hold affection.
If you are to visit on any particular day,
You may sit on the left and look with dismay.
The T.V is not pointed in your direction.
All you see is the room’s reflection.

It is at that time that we decide
That the T.V should not face either side.
With both of us in equal view,
We continue our game with spirits renewed.

Rumps glued to our seats, eyes glued to the screen.
Our characters don deadly M-16’s.
With a slight of the hand, enemies’ lives erased.
“Drat!” they exclaim, as they respawn back at base.

A “thwump” is heard as a grenade shoots from its tube.
As I clutch my wound, my last words uttered: “what a noob”.
Our wrists ache as carpal tunnel sets in
“Victory” scrawls cross the screen, the game was a win.

Brownies

To all the haters out there:

Put 'em in the oven, close it, and wait,
The brownies that I'm baking bring a smile to your face.
I'm playing baking baseball, bitches say "batter up!",
Add that oil in the mix, the box says half a cup.
Lookin' like a pro, crackin' eggs in bowls,
If I was in the streets, I would be crackin' skulls.
Daydreaming while I'm mixing, that's "Whiskful" thinking,
Wishin' that later tonight it's Cristal I'll be drinking.
They're chocolaty and dark, hence the name brownies,
Opposite of the color that be on your whitie tighties.

I rhyme about these morsels, they're delicious and sweet.
Akin to your mother when I'm suckin' on her teet.

Geometrical Christmas

Hey there lady, do you know what day it might be,

'Cause I see, in there, your Christmas tree.

That's right, it's Christmas time

And this year it surely will be sublime.

I didn't know what to get you

I thought, hrm, maybe a Kangaroo?

Yes, that's what I was going to get you...

But then I got a suggestion from Justin Timberlake

And your Christmas this gift will surely make.

It's my dick in a box.

I remembered how you just love cocks.

I know you'll like this,

Now, your life is bliss!

Thanks to my dick in that equilateral quadrilateral,

It can meet at the axis of your bilateral… (symmetry.)

Unatural

Striking orange like its got a spray tan,
Dark brown spots, "That shit's not natural man..."
Long stout neck that can reach the high plants,
A carnivore, unlike the animal it represents.
Yeah, they call my dick the giraffe,
You may now but when you see it you won't laugh,
Cause compared to mine yours measures only half.
It may be odd, the way I'm talking 'bout my chub,
But compared to my skill, you are just a scrub.
And no, not the doctor played by Zach Braff.

You say I'm not natural, and that is very true.
It's learned behavior, not genetic, long ago I was just like you...

The Refrain

'1' It'll blow your mind, the style I'm reppin'.
'2' These fly feet in the shoes I am steppin'.
'3' I'm hot vapor, all y'all are tepid.
'4' And like a mad primate, this shit is my weapon.
'5' Notice the depth of the eloquent lyrics,
'6' Like a fire alarm, in your best interest to hear it.
'7' And as the USDA would say, this is prime grade.
'8' And I don't give a fuck how you want it to be made.
'9' I'll serve it pink in the middle cause I'm quite rare.
'10' Shave a quarter off the top, that is my share.

A safe distance from this heat you should maintain.
Count to ten, it's all I need for the refrain.

Black Chevrolet

Drivin' through town, sittin' in my bucket seat
Press that AC, the way I'm turnin' up the heat
And I'm quite glad that I have power steering
I'll reduce my speed for the curves that I am nearing.
Please hold the clutch, lest we be stallin'
Your tires riding low from the cargo you are haulin'.
Odometer off the charts like the target when I'm shootin' skeet.
Thrustin' pedal to metal, so much fuel we will replete.
Cleanin' your car, detailing that black Chevrolet,
I'm about to wax on you, shine that body if I may.

Cold as Balls

This one's a bit more inappropriate... enjoy:

Its cold! Jack frost is nippin' at your nose,
When I whip it out, I'll bring your knickers to your toes.
You got frost nip seein' my dick because that shit is so cool,
That snow is chalk on my stick like a game of pool.
When I come outside, I'm seein snow and icicles,
When i cum in you, your skin will feel a slight prickle.
Shit! That's a sign of hypothermia,
You won't die, soon the friction will be warmin' ya.
"Is it okay that my lips are blue?"
Better lips than balls,
I'm thrustin' hips hearin' calls.
So when I'm fucking you, remember deck the halls,
It's Christmas time, and it's cold as balls!

Happy Birthday!

You can't have your cake and eat it too,
But you can snap your fingers till this song is through.
So blow out the candles and make a wish,
Consistent with the lines that I'll proceed to dish.
It's your birthday, now a year's passed,
Take out the black book and count all the ass.
Though your trim per year's not statistically significant,
As a gift to you, I bet these bitches will be hittin' it.
Happy Birthday to you, we all pitched in for one thing:
She's waiting outside, aptly wrapped in a g-string!

The theme song

This is bar one, I'm bar none, the best.
All of my niggers can attest
That's end rhyme, my punches are said to end life
I Dole out pain like stanzas, not bananas
I dabble in the arts like a dollop of daisy,
Fuck yeah man that sour cream alliteration is crazy,
My bitch be like Edgar Allen the way she
Back that assonance up.
And if you don't believe me, I'll 575 hike you
Into the air, motherfucker, I swear.
My wit be like Walt...man
To the lyrics and the flow, I am a sultan.
And it is your brain I'll be assaultin'.
I'm speaking metaphorically, not using like or as,
Cause I don't like yo' ass.
So step the fuck off son, this is poetry rap!